Indeed. It’s a long time gone when the nearby Aunts (single or not) and other assorted relatives and long-term friends would be close at hand to help and guide new stay-at-home mothers. Local home school groups have formed all over the country, thankfully, but at the rate that people move around it’s hard to maintain the trust level that a stable community can provide.
I really, really appreciate this article. I was raised in the 1990s when homeschooling was still considered pretty fringe and my mom was tradwifing before it was the thing to do. If anything, she got snide looks and remarks from both the left AND the right. And now I am following in her footsteps. (Not motherhood, sadly, as God has withheld that from me in His infinite wisdom.) But making my home with my husband my base of operations. Anyway, those who come to this way of living lately have not yet grasped what it takes to thrive here. Self-governance is an absolute necessity. If you can’t govern yourself, you can’t govern the home. If you are undisciplined, you can’t teach your children.
At any rate, very well said and I’m happy to have discovered your writing today.
I’m would say you can still always have a go at it. The fact that you’re willing to take your kids out of a dehumanizing system says a lot to them about your values and your love for them. I’m far from perfect; my house is usually messy to the point that I feel bad when people drop by, but I’m so glad that I have homeschooled my 14 year old at least until now. She did competitive gymnastics for a few years and met her bff there. She does all her work without being asked and so far is so much happier and friendly to me and her father than I was as a teenager. Now she’s trying out a hybrid school that goes in two days a week and we can see how it goes and adjust. My 4 year old tried TK one day a week at the same place, but after school she would be incredibly grumpy. One day I picked her up and a substitute had them eating lunch watching YouTube videos which was playing an ad at the moment I arrived. I was like you know I don’t need her so doing that, so I pulled her out. She was sad because she liked some the other kids, but since I took her out she has been doing really well, happier and sweeter than ever. Kids need boundaries and like to see you stick by your principles, even imperfectly. Nothing has to be 100% or forever and you’re still doing something good for them. If they do spend time in school your views and suspicion of the system will likely be shown to be correct in their own eyes.
I was one of these moms described in this post back in the 90’s and early 2000’s when very few were doing it. Five kids, a husband attorney pursuing his career. It was tough. My own mother daily criticized me for doing this and “throwing away” my own education and potential career to stay home with my kids. I was mostly friendless and often lonely and looked down upon by most of my female peers who chose to work. But I don’t regret it. I didn’t realize then that I was potentially exposing myself to being blamed for the failure of how my kids would turn out as the author of this post muses (my kids all turned out to be productive, responsible adults). Or that my kids might, in the end, prove to be somewhat ungrateful for my sacrifice and look back at their experience with a sort of victims-mentality for being raised differently (which some of them have). I guess you can’t worry about that; you must have confidence in yourself, know intrinsically that you are doing the better thing for your family. It does take a sort courage to fly without a safety net.
Plus our kids are gifts not badges of honor. I am glad yours turned out to be responsible adults as have mine but none of are guaranteed that outcome even when the household is peaceable and functional (mostly!)
Im not understanding your need to somehow judge and diminish other women’s choices and decisions of which you know nothing about in order to put yourself on a pedestal. Life is complex and full of hard choices and with tradeoffs and compromises. There is no easy way for any family’s choices. Being an adult and successful in your decisions requires self discipline. All education models require parents to be active participants in their children’s lives. Many families have. hardships. Many families have extended family caretaking needs. Single parents have to work.
No need for the my choice is better and harder than yours.
I read this article as much more a confessional than a critique. If you flatten the entire complex argument which the author makes into nothing more than "staying at home is better than going to work" I would suggest you go back and re-read the article. The author draws an intimate picture of the challenge which a stay-at-home mother must confront in herself to accomplish her purpose. Her thesis, if I had to summarize it, is this: we are culturally blind to the challenge of freedom, and this blindness has a special salience for women who take on home childrearing as their primary work.
The purpose of the article is not to criticize women who go to work, as your comment claims. Her purpose is to clarify just how challenging it is to stay at home. "Our advertisements for homemaking should include that... this is a spiritual battle, not a cakewalk."
Excellent reply. I agree with your assessment. This is not a “holier than thought” critique of women who choose otherwise, in fact the author actually acknowledges her understanding of that choice.
I have found often that those who are not firm in their own choices find criticism in the words of others where there is none.
You are really writing about the loss of community. I had my mother near-by, a sisterhood of friends, an active faith community, a group my husband and I socialized with, etc. when I was raising children. I also volunteered for various town-based charities/initiatives that both reflected my interests and were chosen by me to match my talents. I didn't have to be self-governed because I was part of an intricate web of responsibilities and relationships. I am 63 and all those connections have paid-off for myself and my adult children. I am neither on the American right or left but I do think these lost skills of creating community and the availability of a smart group of women who actually stay at home with you really matters. At some point uou also have to start planning for your next stage of life. I went back to grad school in my 50s (theology) and now have a teaching position. Don't let life happen to you. Engage with it. Be strategic. Just like any part of your career trajectory.
Excellent article although I don’t remember being bored and having nothing to do with my first child - I found it incredibly overwhelming (might be because my first was an extremely fussy baby and toddler who had sleep apnoea). It’s with my consecutive children that I started doing cloth nappies during maternity leave, mostly to feel more accomplished than anything. We can’t afford life without both of us working so there’s never been an option of me not working and to some extent it’s a relief not to have that option.
Indeed. It’s a long time gone when the nearby Aunts (single or not) and other assorted relatives and long-term friends would be close at hand to help and guide new stay-at-home mothers. Local home school groups have formed all over the country, thankfully, but at the rate that people move around it’s hard to maintain the trust level that a stable community can provide.
I really, really appreciate this article. I was raised in the 1990s when homeschooling was still considered pretty fringe and my mom was tradwifing before it was the thing to do. If anything, she got snide looks and remarks from both the left AND the right. And now I am following in her footsteps. (Not motherhood, sadly, as God has withheld that from me in His infinite wisdom.) But making my home with my husband my base of operations. Anyway, those who come to this way of living lately have not yet grasped what it takes to thrive here. Self-governance is an absolute necessity. If you can’t govern yourself, you can’t govern the home. If you are undisciplined, you can’t teach your children.
At any rate, very well said and I’m happy to have discovered your writing today.
Outstanding. Thanks.
I’m would say you can still always have a go at it. The fact that you’re willing to take your kids out of a dehumanizing system says a lot to them about your values and your love for them. I’m far from perfect; my house is usually messy to the point that I feel bad when people drop by, but I’m so glad that I have homeschooled my 14 year old at least until now. She did competitive gymnastics for a few years and met her bff there. She does all her work without being asked and so far is so much happier and friendly to me and her father than I was as a teenager. Now she’s trying out a hybrid school that goes in two days a week and we can see how it goes and adjust. My 4 year old tried TK one day a week at the same place, but after school she would be incredibly grumpy. One day I picked her up and a substitute had them eating lunch watching YouTube videos which was playing an ad at the moment I arrived. I was like you know I don’t need her so doing that, so I pulled her out. She was sad because she liked some the other kids, but since I took her out she has been doing really well, happier and sweeter than ever. Kids need boundaries and like to see you stick by your principles, even imperfectly. Nothing has to be 100% or forever and you’re still doing something good for them. If they do spend time in school your views and suspicion of the system will likely be shown to be correct in their own eyes.
I was one of these moms described in this post back in the 90’s and early 2000’s when very few were doing it. Five kids, a husband attorney pursuing his career. It was tough. My own mother daily criticized me for doing this and “throwing away” my own education and potential career to stay home with my kids. I was mostly friendless and often lonely and looked down upon by most of my female peers who chose to work. But I don’t regret it. I didn’t realize then that I was potentially exposing myself to being blamed for the failure of how my kids would turn out as the author of this post muses (my kids all turned out to be productive, responsible adults). Or that my kids might, in the end, prove to be somewhat ungrateful for my sacrifice and look back at their experience with a sort of victims-mentality for being raised differently (which some of them have). I guess you can’t worry about that; you must have confidence in yourself, know intrinsically that you are doing the better thing for your family. It does take a sort courage to fly without a safety net.
Plus our kids are gifts not badges of honor. I am glad yours turned out to be responsible adults as have mine but none of are guaranteed that outcome even when the household is peaceable and functional (mostly!)
Im not understanding your need to somehow judge and diminish other women’s choices and decisions of which you know nothing about in order to put yourself on a pedestal. Life is complex and full of hard choices and with tradeoffs and compromises. There is no easy way for any family’s choices. Being an adult and successful in your decisions requires self discipline. All education models require parents to be active participants in their children’s lives. Many families have. hardships. Many families have extended family caretaking needs. Single parents have to work.
No need for the my choice is better and harder than yours.
I read this article as much more a confessional than a critique. If you flatten the entire complex argument which the author makes into nothing more than "staying at home is better than going to work" I would suggest you go back and re-read the article. The author draws an intimate picture of the challenge which a stay-at-home mother must confront in herself to accomplish her purpose. Her thesis, if I had to summarize it, is this: we are culturally blind to the challenge of freedom, and this blindness has a special salience for women who take on home childrearing as their primary work.
The purpose of the article is not to criticize women who go to work, as your comment claims. Her purpose is to clarify just how challenging it is to stay at home. "Our advertisements for homemaking should include that... this is a spiritual battle, not a cakewalk."
Excellent reply. I agree with your assessment. This is not a “holier than thought” critique of women who choose otherwise, in fact the author actually acknowledges her understanding of that choice.
I have found often that those who are not firm in their own choices find criticism in the words of others where there is none.
You are really writing about the loss of community. I had my mother near-by, a sisterhood of friends, an active faith community, a group my husband and I socialized with, etc. when I was raising children. I also volunteered for various town-based charities/initiatives that both reflected my interests and were chosen by me to match my talents. I didn't have to be self-governed because I was part of an intricate web of responsibilities and relationships. I am 63 and all those connections have paid-off for myself and my adult children. I am neither on the American right or left but I do think these lost skills of creating community and the availability of a smart group of women who actually stay at home with you really matters. At some point uou also have to start planning for your next stage of life. I went back to grad school in my 50s (theology) and now have a teaching position. Don't let life happen to you. Engage with it. Be strategic. Just like any part of your career trajectory.
Excellent article although I don’t remember being bored and having nothing to do with my first child - I found it incredibly overwhelming (might be because my first was an extremely fussy baby and toddler who had sleep apnoea). It’s with my consecutive children that I started doing cloth nappies during maternity leave, mostly to feel more accomplished than anything. We can’t afford life without both of us working so there’s never been an option of me not working and to some extent it’s a relief not to have that option.